


Coming out

by LauIsVeryCold



Category: The Alienist (TV), The Alienist - Caleb Carr
Genre: Bisexuality, Coming Out, F slur, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Homophobia, I LOVE HER SO MUCH, Kissing, M/M, Nudity, POV First Person, bisexual john moore, but not in a mean way, he's homophobic at first but supports them later, homosexual marcus isaacson, sara is a babe
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-29
Updated: 2018-07-29
Packaged: 2019-06-18 04:36:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15477810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LauIsVeryCold/pseuds/LauIsVeryCold
Summary: Coming out is a long and difficult process but as long as you have each other you're never truly alone.





	Coming out

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Belaluxe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Belaluxe/gifts).



> Hello everyone! It seems like nobody ships this so now I have to write the fanfics myself.  
> Thanks to the the lovely Belaluxe for helping me edit.
> 
> Enjoy,  
> Lau~

I’m awakened by the sun shining through the window.  
There’s something big and warm in front of me.  
Marcus.  
I have my arms around his slim waist. Marcus’ curls softly tickle my chin and throat. The slow, steady breaths indicate that he’s still asleep. My heart pours over with love when I look at him and the love bites on his shoulder. He’s truly mine now and I’m his.  
I kiss the soft and tender skin of my lover’s neck. “Good morning”, I whisper.  
Marcus groans and stretches a little before turning around in my arms to face me. His face is soft and light with a little drool in the corner of his mouth.  
He’s so warm and beautiful in that moment that I can’t help but run my fingers through his hair and kiss him softly. His lips are slightly dry but I don’t mind.  
Marcus runs his hands over my bare chest, caressing the skin softly. He runs his hands slowly over to my neck and breaks the kiss. “Good morning to you too”, he murmurs.  
I lay my forehead on his. “Last night was amazing”, I sigh. “How are you feeling?”  
“A little sore”, he chuckles. “I wish we could stay like this forever.”  
I trace his jawline with my finger. He closes his eyes at the soft touch. “Me too, my love.”  
Marcus eyes open and he smiles from ear to ear. His whole face beams with happiness.  
I continue talking. “You’re my love, my darling, my dearest. I want to wake up next to you every day for the rest of my life.” I put my hand on Marcus’ cheek. He presses my hand closer to him with his hand and gives me soft kisses on my palm. His eyes are closed again.  
“I want to hold you close to me for as long as possible. I want to hold your hand. I want to scream from the rooftops that I love you.”  
Marcus opens his eyes and puts his finger against my lips. “Don’t”, he whispers. “I want to be able to love you openly and freely as much as you do but we can’t. No one can know about us. I’m afraid Lucius already suspects something.”  
“What do you mean?”  
Marcus looks so sad at that moment that I just want to kiss him better and hold him and protect him and take him away, far from expectations and judging eyes.  
“He always knows, he’s my brother. I’ve never been a good liar, especially to him.”  
I swallow. “Will he accept us?”  
“I don’t know. Maybe. It might take him a while to get used to the idea of having a fag for a brother.”  
I wrap my arms around Marcus’ skinny frame and pull him closer. “Whatever happens, I love you and I will keep loving you until the day I die.”  
The way Marcus softly caresses my cheek makes my heart flutter with happiness and love.  
There’s a knock on the door.  
“No!” Marcus shouts quickly. He gives me a frightened look.  
“Don’t pretend like I’ve never seen you naked before”, Lucius voice shouts back.  
“No, er, that’s not it.”  
“Are you in there with a girl?” Lucius asks with a surprised tone.  
Marcus and I share a look. “Sort of…” Marcus answers.  
Lucius chuckles on the other side of the door. “Well, hurry up and sent her on her way. We need to get to 808. The doctor said that he might have an idea.”  
“Okay”, Marcus answers Lucius. He then turns to me. “How are we going to do this?”  
“Tell him to go to the headquarters by himself?” I suggest.  
Marcus shakes his head. “No, he’ll suspect something is up. Okay, here’s the plan. I’ll go out first to see if the coast is clear. On my sign you go outside, is that alright?”  
I nod.  
We both get dressed as quickly as possible and follow the plan as Marcus had thought it out. Marcus goes out first where Lucius is waiting for him. I can hear their conversation through the open window.  
“Where’s the girl?”  
“I-inside.”  
“Why? Am I not allowed to meet her? She’s a Christian isn’t she? I’ve always known you’d fall for someone you shouldn’t”, Lucius laughs.  
“You caught me. I’ve fallen for someone Christian”, Marcus says awkwardly.  
“Can I meet her?”  
“You already have.”  
“Oh! Well that makes it interesting”, Lucius exclaims. “Let’s get going and you can tell me all about her on the way.”  
“Wait, I forgot my bag!” Marcus says.  
There are running footsteps down the hall. The door opens. Marcus is standing there looking beaten. He falls into my embrace. “It’s so hard”, he whispers.  
I burry my face in the crook of his neck. “I know, my darling. Tonight we’ll get together again. Let me take you out. We can go out for dinner and then go to my grandmother’s house and I’ll show you how much I love you.”  
Marcus nods happily.  
I kiss him on his lips. “I’ll make you feel beautiful, my love.”  
Marcus cups my face in his hands and kisses me hard. “I love you”, he murmurs against my lips.  
“Marcus?”  
Marcus and I look up to see Lucius standing in the doorway.  
“Lucius! What are you doing here?”  
“You-you were taking so long to get your bag so I thought there might be something wrong. What-what’s going on here? Marcus, John, explain yourselves, please?” He gets out his handkerchief and wipes his sweaty forehead.  
I look into Marcus’ terrified eyes. I slip my arm around his waist and put on a brave face. “Lucius”, I start, “I’m in love with your brother. We’ve been together for the past two months—”  
Marcus smiles at that and huddles up closer to me.  
“—and it would mean a lot to us if you could give us your blessing”, I finish. My heart is beating in my throat. This is the first time we’ve ever talked about our love in front of someone else.  
Lucius sits, more like falls, down on a chair in the hallway behind him. “You’re-you’re…together?”  
Marcus nods anxiously. “I love him, please don’t tell anyone”, he begs.  
Slowly Lucius shakes his head. “I won’t.”  
I let out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding.  
“So…can you accept us?” Marcus asks.  
“Two months… How have you been able to hide this…this relationship from me?” He says relationship with a little disgust in his voice.  
“It wasn’t easy”, Marcus admits. “We sneaked around a lot, pretended to work late or pretended that we were staying with a friend. Those weren’t lies! We used to be just friends and it always started with working before we…” Marcus trails off and blushes furiously.  
Lucius looks confused and opens his mouth to ask something before realisation hit him. “God, oh God. You guys…you had…” He takes a deep breath. “I need some air.” With that he stands up and walks out the door.  
Marcus sighs and I pull him close. I feel his shoulders shock. Marcus is crying. I stroke his hair and whisper “I know, I know” and “I love you” as many times as needed for him to calm down.  
“He doesn’t accept us. No one ever will, John. What are we going to do?”  
“He’ll turn around, don’t worry. He loves you. And we? We’ll keep loving each other like we have for so long and everything will be okay, I promise.”  
“I love you”, he says.  
“I love you”, I answer.

“John Moore, you’re late. Everyone is waiting for you.” Sara’s stern voice makes me smile. She’s always loved scolding me and I don’t mind it.  
Marcus has gone in first while I waited around the corner because we thought it’d be suspicious if we came in together.  
I walk in and smile at Marcus before taking my seat.  
Laszlo has some new ideas about the murderer and I try to keep my attention on the case but it’s hard with Marcus sitting there. Last night was our first time making love. It had been Marcus’ first time with a man. I have been with men before but never with one I loved like I love Marcus.  
Oh, Marcus. My beautiful, lovely Marcus. He looked so gorgeous last night that I couldn’t keep my hands off of him, and he wouldn’t stop kissing my neck. One thing led to another and before I knew it I was naked and on top of my lover.  
“John? John!” Laszlo waved at me.  
“What?” I ask, suddenly brought back to the here and now. I teared my eyes away from Marcus to look at Laszlo.  
“You seemed to have been daydreaming”, Laszlo chuckles.  
I feel my cheeks turn red. “Sorry, I’m just tired, I think.” I can practically hear Lucius roll his eyes.  
“We have been working especially hard lately but do try to stay focused.”  
I nod.  
Focusing works until Sara suggests taking a break for lunch. Everyone agrees and they decide to go to the Italian place down the road.  
“You guys go ahead, I first want to finish this.” I point to the paper on my desk.  
“I’ll help you”, Marcus says quickly.  
My heart jumps and I feel a smile creeping up  
“Very well, we’ll see you both appear when you’re ready”, Laszlo says and he turns to the door. Sara follows right behind him but not before giving us a curious stare.  
Lucius doesn’t look too happy but he doesn’t linger too long. He wouldn’t want to waste any time he could also spend eating. He looks at us with a disappointed face before closing the door behind him.  
Marcus falls into my open arms. He leans down to put his head on my shoulder.  
“It’s okay, it’s okay”, I tell him.  
“It’s just so hard to see him so disappointed in me. I wish he could accept us.”  
“Me too”, I sigh. “I love you.”  
“I love you.”  
I smile at him and sit down on my chair again. “So, we’re left alone. What shall I do? Shall I finish the article or…”  
Marcus blushes. “I don’t even know why I did this. We’ve never… fooled around here. The others could walk in any minute.”  
“They’re at lunch. They’re not coming back any time soon.” I grab Marcus’ hands and pull him closer.  
He sits down on my lap with his legs on either side of me. His cheeks are redder than strawberries.  
“I had fun last night”, I say as I put my hands around his waist.  
“Me too”, Marcus answers.  
I look into his big, blue eyes.  
I put one hand on his cheek and kiss him softly.  
Marcus kisses me back hard. His lips are hot and soft. I lick them to ask for entry that he grants me immediately. His mouth tastes like cigarettes and something sweeter. My hands wander, one to his hair and one to his little, round ass.  
Marcus’ has one hand on my cheek and one on my neck.  
The kiss gets more and more heated. I pull away to gasp for air. We’re both panting and I’ve started sweating a little.  
I take off Marcus’ jacket and toss it aside. Then I loosen his tie and undo the top buttons of his shirt revealing the tender, pale skin underneath. I kiss Marcus’ collar bone before trying to find that one spot that makes him moan.  
He runs his fingers through my hair.  
Marcus is trying to keep his mouth closed but little gasps and groans still escape him. They’re wonderful sounds. So pure and so honest. Exclusively for me. Only I can let him make those sounds and only I am allowed to hear them. He is mine and I am his.  
The door downstairs opens. The others are back.  
I stop my actions and sit up straight. “They’re back! Quick, we need to get you dressed.” I tie Marcus’ tie while he puts on his jacket again.  
Panicking about a natural-looking position I grab Marcus’ chair and place it at my desk next to my chair. We sit down just as the door opens.  
“And that’s why we use aluminum powder for finger printing. Oh, hello everyone”, Marcus says.  
Is it enough to fool our colleagues? 

It’s late. The sun has gone down a while ago and I yawn every few minutes. Lucius dragged Marcus home some time ago and Laszlo is at the institute because of an emergency. Something about a big fight, I believe.  
That leaves me and Sara to work on the case. She sits a few desks away from me. Too far from the fire to truly enjoy its warmth.  
I put down my pen and stand up from my desk to sit at a seat near the hearth. “Sara, join me. We’ve worked long and hard today, we deserve some rest.”  
“You came in late, you spend most of your morning daydreaming and now you want to sit at the fire and do nothing? I don’t even know why I’m surprised anymore”, she says. She stands up nonetheless and sits opposite of me on an armchair. Taking out a cigarette she asks: “Did you boys have fun while we were at lunch?”  
I give her a light and put on a cigarette for myself as well. I take a long drag before answering: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. We only talked.”  
“Don’t lie to me, John Moore.” The corner of Sara’s mouth is upturned slightly.  
“What makes you think I’m lying?”  
The small half-smile now turns into a full smirk. “I like what you did to your hair, it reminds me of the lavender bushes your mother used to have in her garden.”  
I jump up to look in the mirror. My usually neat, slicked-back hair is a mess. Marcus must have played with it more than I had realized. I try to tidy it as much as possible. “And why should the state of my hair mean anything?”  
“Marcus’ tie was different. He uses a full Windsor knot while you always use a half Windsor knot. This morning he had his normal knot but when we came back from lunch he suddenly had your knot. Why did you tie his tie, John?”  
She doesn’t need to ask, she already knows. I sit down and take a drag.  
She blows some smoke in my direction. “You’re lovers.”  
It wasn’t a question. It was merely an observation. I could shake my head and make up a lie but I feel myself nodding. She wouldn’t believe whatever lie I could come up with anyways. I stare at the fire. “I love him.” I wait for her to get up and leave.  
She doesn’t. Instead she asks: “For how long?”  
“How long have I loved him? Since we met. We first acted on our feelings two months ago. For two whole months we’ve been keeping our love a secret.”  
“I’m happy for you two. I’m not surprised. You’ve always been bad at hiding your emotions, at least to me. I can always see past your mask and these last two months you’ve been happier than I’ve seen you in a very long time. Marcus is your first love since Julia, isn’t he?”  
“He is. He makes me happy. Thank you for supporting us, Sara. You have no idea what it means to me.”  
“Who else knows?” Sara asks. She flicks her cigarette stub in the dying fire.  
“Lucius”, I answer flatly. I let out a sarcastic, humorless laugh. “He wasn’t too happy with it.”  
“That explains his mood today. I’ve never seen the man unhappy with food in front of him.”  
“I hope he’s not too angry at Marcus. It really hurt him when Lucius reacted badly at our ‘coming out’.” I throw my bud in the fire too.  
“How did he find out?”  
“Walked in on us, of course.”  
Sara’s eyes widen. “Oh, God. Were you…”  
“No, no, no”, I quickly answer. “We were just kissing, but that was bad enough apparently.” I look at the carpet.  
Sara lays her hand on mine. “John, look at me. Whatever Lucius might have said, he was wrong. You and Marcus love each other and you make each other happy, that’s all that counts. There’ll always be people who’ll think lesser of you because you love men but I’m not one of those people and neither is Laszlo. We are here for you. And when Lucius sees how happy you make his brother, he’ll learn to accept you two. Everything is going to be okay.” She gives me a soft smile.  
“Thank you, Sara”, I say. There’s a lump in my throat.

“I think that if we told my grandmother that the poor old woman would have a heart attack!” I laugh.  
Marcus chuckles and plays with my fingers.  
We’re sitting on a wooden bench in a park. The sky is dark and full of stars. The wind is cool against my cheeks. Marcus looks lovely with his curls messy and soft.  
I have my head on his shoulder and my right arm around his waist. My hands are in his lap.  
“Would doctor Kreizler accept us?” he asks.  
“Laszlo knows about me”, I answer. “He knows about my past affairs with men and women. He’ll support us, I know he will.”  
“So, that’s two people so far”, Marcus says bittersweetly.  
“I support us”, I say and I kiss him.  
Marcus pulls back in shock. “We’re in public!” he whispers.  
“There’s no one around”, I whisper back, but I don’t try to kiss him again.  
Marcus kisses my hand. “Let’s go to your house.”  
I stand up smiling from ear to ear and help my lover up.  
The walk home is tediously long. I can’t touch him. We’ll get beaten up if anyone sees us holding hands. We stick to ‘accidental’ touches and looks and smiles. We laugh like lovesick teens.  
Grandmother is already in bed when I open the door. It’s dark and quiet inside. We stumble up the stairs as quietly as we can while also touching each other as much as possible.  
I close my bedroom door behind us and push Marcus against the wall. He throws his arms around my neck and crashes our lips together.  
Between kisses I say: “You have—” kiss on his jawline “—no idea—” kiss on his neck “—how much—” his tie comes off “—I’ve wanted—” kiss on his collar bone “—to do—” I lay my hand on his cock “—this!”  
Marcus gasps at the sudden touch. He has become a moaning mess. His grip on my neck getting harder and harder.  
I lick his skin from his collar bone to his sharp jawline leaving a trail of thick saliva while taking off his jacket.  
My cock twitches in my pants. My arousal is growing with every moan and every touch.  
“Let’s take this to the bed”, Marcus groans in my ear.  
I look into his ocean colored eyes filled with lust and love. He’s sincere. He wants me and I want him so badly.  
I kiss him on the lips and lead him to my bed.

The three of us, Lucius, Marcus, and I that is, are seated around the Isaacson’s dinner table. There’s no food on the table. Lucius has invited Marcus and me for a talk yesterday and now, after contemplating what he needs to tell us so badly, it is finally time.  
“I want to apologize for my behavior”, Lucius says. He wipes his forehead.  
“You do?” Marcus asks. He squeezes my hand. We’re holding hands under the table so Lucius doesn’t see it.  
Lucius nods. “You have never been happier than you are with John. Only a fool would hate on such love.”  
Marcus tears up and I feel tears burning behind my eyes as well. My lover looks at me with so much happiness and affection, I can’t help but kiss him. From the corner of my eye I can see Lucius look away. He’s still uncomfortable with us.  
“Lucius, I know it’s hard for you but I’m very fond of your brother and I would never do anything to hurt him. Your support means a lot to us.”  
Lucius laughs softly. “I remember when we were little you told me you wanted to marry Troilus. We didn’t know what marriage meant back then and forgot about it for the longest time.”  
Marcus laughs too now. “Oh, yes, Troilus! I remember.” Marcus and Lucius talk about some more childhood memories. I feel content sitting there, listening to them. I laugh when Lucius tells me about the time Marcus had ripped off his shirt in public to prove he was strong when he was nine. Marcus tells me about how he convinced Lucius that wood was a kind of meat.  
Marcus looks happy like this. He’s holding my hand above the table but Lucius isn’t paying attention to it. At that moment I vow to make every single day of Marcus’ life as happy as this one. He shall never be sad again, he shall never be hungry, he shall never have to face any difficulties by himself, because I’m at his side to protect him and to love him. I will never stop loving him.

Laszlo takes a sip from his wine. “Have you and the detective sergeant found something new?” he asks.  
“Nothing that we haven’t shared yet. Why?”  
My friend shrugs. His good arm reaching higher than his bad arm. “You’ve been spending a lot of time together. Is there something I should know about?”  
I feel my cheeks turn scarlet. He knows. He doesn’t need to ask but he still does for God knows what reason. Maybe he gets off of making people confess things. God, why is he making me say this?  
“I think you already know’, I answer.  
“I want to hear you say it, John. Don’t be ashamed.”  
I sigh. “I’m not ashamed of my love for Marcus.” The corners of my mouth go up slightly. Even thinking about him makes me happy.  
“Are you two… together?”  
“In a way.”  
“You’re lovers.”  
“Yes.”  
“I’m happy for you.”  
“Thank you”, I answer. I look at the bookshelves. I’ve always liked the books Laszlo keeps in his office.  
“I’ve never though homosexuality a sickness. It's love. Just like the love between a man and a woman. I’ve met many homosexual people, John, but not often do I meet someone who doesn’t have a preference when it comes to sex. Have you ever heard the term ‘bisexual’?”  
“I have not”, I say. The term piques my interest.  
“A bisexual man is a man who likes both men and women. Not necessarily at the same time, but throughout his life. Would you say you identify yourself as a bisexual man?”  
I muse over this. When I was younger I always thought I was heterosexual because I like girls just like the other boys, but when I got older I realized that I felt the same way about men as I did about women. I didn’t dare talk about it with anyone. I was too afraid of being beaten up or kicked out of my home. At university I first started experimenting with men. I secretly kissed them at abandoned places after dark or in closets. I even had a small crush on Laszlo for a while. Not that I’d ever tell him that, his ego is big enough as it is. I thought I was homosexual until I met Julia. She made me hetero again. Maybe it had all been a phase. A lot of people try things with the same sex at university, it wasn’t uncommon.  
Meeting Marcus had made me confused again. I love him. I love him as much as I loved Julia, more even. Homosexual, heterosexual, it’s confusing and neither describe what I truly feel. Bisexual. It might be the word I have been searching for. The fact that there’s a word for it must mean that other people feel the same way. I'm not alone in this. There are more people like me. There are more bisexuals.  
“Yes, Laszlo”, I finally answer. “I’m bisexual.”


End file.
